It’s nighttime. A group of English lads wearing button-downs and too-tight white trousers stand in a clump. They slosh their pints and yell. They smoke and chuck the butts in the centre of the circle. We are to understand that they are ‘real men’. One of them breaks free heading for the bar and almost bumps into me. He stops, slurs “Sorry love”. I sidestep and walk on, careful not to make eye contact. Everyone is looking at them but only from the corner of their eyes. Everyone is looking at them but only with their ears. Everyone is too aware of them. People edge away from where they stand. They give their friends wide-eyed glares as if to say ‘Oh God’. We stand in a group of new friends from Berlin. We also make wide-eyed stares. “We are not with them,” we say. “English lads are the worst tourists,” we say. They agree.

Whenever I go abroad, there is more often than not an encounter with a group of British lads. This is not to say that I speak with them, just that they are there. Rowdy, drunk, and cocky they make their presence unapologetically known. As a bystander you have no choice but to interact; they pull you into their atmosphere. I once read online that British tourists are thought to be the worst kind of tourists. In contrast, Japanese tourists are considered the best. That puts me at the mid-way point, neither good nor bad, perfectly neutral – I’ll take it! Japanese tourists are thought to be the most respectful and polite, the ones who are orderly and respect the culture of the place they are visiting. English tourists are not all bad. Most of them are well-behaved, curious, and polite. But that can all be thrown off the table once the beers have been flowing or, God forbid, the football is on. CNN reported that in March Amsterdam launched a ‘Stay Away’ campaign;

‘To deter young British Men from coming to the capital to cause mayhem on “stag dos” – or bachelor parties. The campaign used target ads to pop up for anyone googling terms from “cheap hotel Amsterdam” to “pub crawl Amsterdam,” warning would-be raucous travelers of the chance of being arrested, fined, or ending up in hospital after a drugs binge goes wrong’

It seems the main focus of the campaign is to stop English lads from extensively drinking while on holiday; a challenge of biblical proportions. Jesus fed the five thousand but George from Watford single-handedly sunk seventeen pints before throwing up on his own chest so who’s the real son of God? While drinking is probably the linchpin from which a dislike of English tourists hangs, there are other factors too. Whenever I go somewhere I’m always guilty of assuming that people will speak English. I still, for some reason, expect other people to speak my language while only making half-hearted and coy attempts at theirs. I know English is taught to a high standard in most European countries but it’s an ignorant assumption to think I could go somewhere before learning the basic phrases. I unintentionally expect people to bend to my curve as if they are a tree reaching for my sunlight; it’s wrong of me. Another reason why I think people don’t like English tourists is because we are impatient. Once when I was in Valencia I waited ten minutes for a beer, all the while sighing and leaning forward in my chair out of fear they had forgotten me. In London everything happens so quickly, you don’t have to wait for anything. If you get to your tube station you can walk seamlessly from the platform to the train because it’s there. If you want a coffee you get one. If you need a pharmacy, a snack, or a pair of tights, you can get them all from one place around the corner. We expect that we will get the things we want when we want them, and that’s just not true in other places. 

I do think British lads are a different kind of horror story abroad though. Always puffing out their chests and sunburned as if the neglect of SPF makes you more of a man. Always boisterous and confrontational. I wonder who they do it for? Is it for other people to show them they are manly? Is it for each other? Is it for themselves? Is it for women? (if so, they must know nothing about women). I feel embarrassed when I see a group of boys like this on holiday and I make great effort to be even more polite, even more considerate, even more aware of myself. By making these mall corrective behaviours I hope to signal my shared disapproval. 

Last week I was away in Lisbon! It was the first time I had been abroad in over a year and it was wonderful. I tried to be a better tourist and learn some phrases before I left. You couldn’t stop me from throwing out a little “ola” or an “obrigada”. I also tried to be more patient and think about if I was being loud on nights out. I hope I didn’t disturb anyone’s peace. The holiday was full of sun, sea, staying away from British lads, and of course, Pastel de Nata! We found a great vegan spot and I visited there almost every day. So creamy and delicious, the pastry was crisp and flaky; perfection! I wish I could go back and eat more. 

Goodbye for now.

CNN article: The worst-behaved tourists of 2023 | CNN