Latest Posts
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ChatGPT therapist
The trouble with my human therapist is that she is not strapped to my side. I can’t ask for her help when I feel overwhelmed at work or when anxiety prevents me from sleeping. I have to stuff my hamster cheeks with troubles and vomit them onto her lap in a bi-weekly one-hour session. By the time I get to her, I can hardly keep my mouth closed. The only thing I can do while I wait, is lighten the load by asking ChatGPT what to do. My favourite thing about ChatGPT is that it validates my feelings. If I… Continue reading
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Living in a web
I have never done anything truly on my own, and I don’t believe you have either. When I walk home from work, I walk on pavement laid out by hands unseen, I stop at the traffic lights where the drivers wait for me, I walk through the park with grass green from watering. While I walk, I can’t help but feel grateful for everyone who went before me, who made it possible. Like a path through a field that started with only one set of feet but has been compounded by years of others following. The world we live in… Continue reading
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I’m turning stupid
I have never been brilliantly clever. It is a fact I have come to terms with over the years. However, I have long prided myself on being thoughtful and interrogative; that even if I don’t know much, at least I look around with curiosity. But over the past couple of months, I have lost some of my interest in the world. In writing my novel, I have lived solely in my imagination for over a year and a half. I now feel untethered and withdrawn from how the world moves alongside me. I no longer gaze out the window or… Continue reading
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Gentleness and good humour
September is my favourite month, leaves fall from the trees, jumpers come back on. It’s the start of all things cosy. It feels like a new beginning somehow. Sunburn, eating outside and hay fever are gone and in comes boots, hot chocolate, the colour orange. I try to make September resolutions. I look back on the huge bite I chewed off in January and pick just one or two things for the rest of the year. The beginning of the year feels like you have so much time, and it’s hard to keep track when you’re living it. But September… Continue reading
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‘Planning’
I never used to think I had anxiety. I would lie awake at night and list all the things I needed to do the next day, the following week, the dawning year, and the unavoidable oncoming of the rest of my life. I would close my eyes and term it ‘planning’. And when the voices grew so loud they leaped out at me like trout, I would put some music on and try to forget I was being thrashed about in the waves. I always thought anxiety was debilitating; that it stopped you from being able to do things. But… Continue reading
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If you love me, don’t repay your debts
There’s nothing I want less than to be even. I hope to always be on the back foot. I sat down at work the other day, and a friend had left a book I lent them on the keyboard. They were moving teams. Their desk was scrubbed of life, and there was the book, with blue eyes looking at me. It felt like finality. My debts paid in full. Everything fair and squared away. Their hands washed of me. I know this is not what they thought; they simply wanted to return what is mine. But there is a weighted… Continue reading
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I love with my eyes
I love with my eyes. I love what I can touch and smell; it must be a hangover from foraging times. To me, people leave no ghosts, no trail of crumbs, no lingering scent. I love with my heart too, but I need my eyes to feel it. I love with my eyes because I can’t feel in memory. I am always looking the wrong way. But someone sneaking into view can bring back laughter in the kitchen, laying on a sun-scorched green, arms pushing through a borrowed top. My eyes shine because a light has been switched on. I… Continue reading
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Welcome to Japan
I have often feared that when my mother dies I won’t feel Japanese anymore. First, my grandma will pass and we’ll sell her cluttered home in Kakogawa. It will be brought by a new family, cleared of her down to a stray eyelash and never set foot in again. Then my mother will die, and with her last breath she’ll stuff her lungs with whatever Japaneseness I had left. After that, I won’t know who I am anymore. I’ve fretted about no more home cooking, no need for Japanese phrases, no more Japanese card games, no more kendama, no more… Continue reading
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Hungry Ghost
Hungry ghosts are creatures of insatiable greed. Through their button mouths, they feast on material goods whilst their bellies gorge to furthest extremity and then swell some more. Feeding does not satisfy; it only makes them more ravenous. Hungry ghosts originate from Buddhist mythology and remain a part of Japanese culture today. They feature heavily in the Obon Festival and, most famously, have made their film debut in Hayao Miyazaki’s Spirited Away (2001). Spirited Away is an indictment of avarice. The trouble stems from Chihiro’s father who always wants to venture ‘a little further’, and does not fear punishment for… Continue reading
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Glory be to the Father
God has never been my flavour. He seemed inaccessible, foolish and trite. I’ve often regarded his celestial clairvoyance with suspicion. The mention of God would have me yawning and rolling my eyes. The name Jesus produced an instinctual smirk that could only be remedied by tautly puckering my lips so they wouldn’t ping up in a feral grin. Religion seemed to be a tool to force-feed good morals. I used to smack the spoon away and turn my head away from swallowing even a teaspoon of amen. I am still not a believer in God or Jesus, but as I… Continue reading
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